A strategy memo circulated inside the White House this week recommends replacing the liaison to Congress with a telephone tree, after James Braid’s departure[1] and Alina Habba’s public rejection of press-secretary rumors[2]. People familiar with the document say the first suggestion is almost conventional.
- First, the memo reads, install a phone line with three options: press 1 to speak with the last liaison, press 2 to speak with the next liaison, and press 3 to hear a recording of the current liaison explaining that no liaison is ever needed. The memo says this will reduce staffing costs by 100 percent and increase constituent confusion by roughly the same amount.
- Second, it continues, instruct every staffer, when asked about personnel changes, to reply “we are fully staffed” while making eye contact with a cardboard cutout of a staff member. The cutout would be printed at federal expense and would bear the single word “STAFF” on its chest, in case anyone mistook it for a real employee.
- Third, the memo proposes moving the press secretary’s podium to a studio in a different time zone, so that denials are delivered after the news cycle has moved on. The briefing room would be filled with silent mannequins wearing press badges, to preserve the appearance of a live audience.
The memo’s final recommendation merges the liaison and press offices into a single position held by a golden retriever named Briefing. The dog would have no authority, no speaking role, and no access to classified information.